Thursday, March 27, 2008

Trip Report

With the intent of keeping this post under a novel's length, I'm going to attempt to provide a trip report via summary format. So below is a rough outline of the last few weeks in the life of RaisingCayne:
  • Group of ten degenerate 25-35 year old males arrive at the Vegas airport late on a Wednesday evening. (Note: United Airlines' staff need some training on the risks of over-serving their passengers, as a few in our group are able to start their vacation off way too rambunctiously hammered.)
  • We promptly pick up two rented minivans and hit the road to Lake Havasu. Arrive at destination hotel around midnight. (Note: playing designated driver, while on vacation with a rowdy group of drunks, sucks! Sometimes responsibility requires a level of maturity I'm simply not that familiar with.)
  • Pick up rented houseboat Thursday morning and hit the water (and the alcohol) before noon. Spend the next six hours drinking way too much, and offending women way too young for me. (Note: 25-35 year old men have NO place at a Spring Break location meant for a younger generation! Sadly, it turns out I don't have as much in common with 19-22 year old girls as I liked to think. A very depressing epiphany, believe me!)
  • In what will likely be considered the highlight of the trip years in the future, our debaucherous group get 15 minutes of fame with an entertaining appearance on TruTV's show Party Heat, a reality show that follows Lake Havasu police's beach patrol. Good times! You know, as it's just not a bachelor party without an appearance on COPS! Fortunately our party avoided any trouble, as our group had a designated driver. But tune into the former CourtTV channel sometime to watch my friend pass a sobriety test with flying colors, and then be thanked by authorities for "responsible partying."
  • Head back to Las Vegas early Friday morning for a couple nights of unruly behaviour in a city that was apparently built around a bachelor party theme. Arrive at Bally's Hotel & Casino after rental car return by early afternoon, and promptly check in to five adjoining rooms that are bound to be complained about very soon. (Note: room location turned out to be very fortuitous, as an adult movie was being filmed just down the hall! Our group had the distinct pleasure of meeting some big-haired, big breasted, overly made up adult film stars directly after their completing what I'm assuming were oscar-caliber performances in epic films.)
  • POKER: I promptly make my way to Bally's petty little poker room for some $1-2NL action. And boy, was it full of action! In just a few hours my mood changes from giddy to irate, as two horrific bad beats sway my bankroll by a four figure amount! The Cliff's notes: one hand I call off my ~$300 stack on board of QQ8 holding QT, to see villain's Q9.... turn J, river 9... my straight loses to full house, villain scoops ~$700+ pot. Grrr. And the lead-weighted straw that broke my camel's back: I have the pleasure of calling off another ~$300 in chips while holding the stone cold nuts, when my T8o flopped a painted board of 79J, and some old local jackass re-re-raises me all-in with the monster QJ... turn T, river K! My flopped straight loses to runner-runner higher straight. I watch another villain scoop another ~$750 pot after facing another wicked suckout. In just two hands my trip's bankroll is changed by at least $1,500 as I leave the tables down a net of $400, after I "should have" scooped a four figure profit! (Note: my relationship with poker has really changed in the weeks since, as I've let my tilted state persist, and I seem to have lost the ambition required to play with the necessary passion & purpose. But more on that another time I hope.)
  • So by then it's Friday evening, and I've turned my casual cocktail consumption into a full out binge drinking marathon, to drown my bad luck sorrows.
  • Meet a beautiful young African "provider" that's able to hook up quality companionship and decent cocaine at a reasonable price! (Mood begins changing for the better.)
  • Spend the next 36+ hours on a drug & alcohol binge that would make Chris Farley blush from his grave. All of Friday and Saturday sort of blur together in memory. Gambling fortunes turned for the better though, as I hit a 3card straight flush at a table game for a ~$400 win... and the best friend bachelor hit a slot machine prize for a ~$600 win himself.
  • Late Saturday night it's decided that many in our group can't afford the trip to the fancy Vegas strip clubs, so we just opt to catch 'Oooh La La' at the Paris. It was a decent show, (especially considering the cute ticket clerk opted to give our large group over 60% off the cost of the tickets. I learn from a friend that well placed $20 tips can be used profitably!)
  • I catch a couple hours sleep late Sunday morning just prior to heading home. Notice the sore throat I felt hit me earlier in the week has developed into a nasty illness, as I wake up feeling a bad fever, with a nasty cough, and a serious shortness of breath.
  • Get back home late Sunday night and feel ready to make peace with God and find a deathbed to rest on. Go to the doctor Monday morning and am diagnosed with bronchitis that developed into pneumonia! (Evidently an extended unhealthy binge spent in smoke filled casinos is a decent means of spreading infection through one's respiratory system. Who knew?) I proceed to go on a diet of Codein cough syrup and heavy duty antibiotics for the next week.
  • Am unable to go to work ALL of last week, as my illness kept me completely immobile and bed ridden. This extended absence fueled all sorts of fun speculation amongst colleagues as to which STD I picked up on vacation! (Note: winner in the office pool was Sandra, with her choice of "The Clap." ... I'M KIDDING!!! I swear, even after the debauchery, I remain proudly STD-free for 27 years and counting. ... I think.)
  • Regain my health after a solid six days of bed rest, and am finally able to return to work this last Monday. And I come home Monday evening to find that someone fucking kicked in the door to my fucking condo in an attempted break in!!! In the middle of the fucking day!!?!! Very fortunately my ADT system and my roommate's big ugly dog were together successful in keeping any actual burglary from taking place! I report the ordeal to the police, (get chastised for not using my deadbolt lock,) and am told that it appears something promptly scared away the would-be-thief, be it the dog and/or the security system. As it was obvious the schmuck was able to gain entry, but didn't bother getting away with anything, despite the visible presence of significant valuables, (not to mention a bunch of weed and other contraband and paraphernalia... which was quickly hidden upon my awaiting the officer's arrival for taking a report.)
  • Ordered a replacement door from Lowe's. Given the apparent funky size of my ancient doorway had to special order and wait a week and a half. Ordeal is gonna cost me a couple hundred bucks and a few hours to repair. But, I suppose it could've been A LOT worse! My roommate is away on business this week too, I couldn't imagine having to tell him his shit was stolen! I guess I shouldn't complain about his old mut dog anymore! (And I suppose I can get in the new habit of using the deadbolt too.)

Alright, well, that's that I supppose. There's the last few weeks in the life of RaisingCayne. Livin' the dream... Keepin' Princes & Kings jealous...

...I'm a talkin' donkey,



OhCaptain said...

Dead bolt would have just made a bigger hole in the door frame. Kicked in doors aren't helped by dead bolts, unless the frame is steel. Then dead bolt do good, unless the framing in your condo sucks, then hole made by would-be burgler even bigger as door and frame now lay on floor.

Too tired for words. good night.

The Wife said...

Dude . . . its been so long since you posted . . . I thought you died in Vegas!

DrChako is home . . . expect a home game at the Chako house!

Evy said...

wow....sounds like a hell of a vacation....and a 'nice' welcome home, lol...

wish i coulda witnessed some of the debauchery!

Matt said...

Cocaine's a hell of a drug...

(not that I know, just heard from some black dude)

Good to see you blogging again. Had JC ranted to you yet how I busted his JJ with the hammer in the Mookie this past week?

Anonymous said...

Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my blog, it is about the Celulite, I hope you enjoy. The address is A hug.

jamyhawk said...

Great post! "African provider" made me LMAO...